I am a bitch

I am such a cold, heartless, unfeeling, BITCH. I cannot believe I could be so mean and.... Okay, I guess that seems out of no where. My last post was "life is good, people are great, i could fucking float away". Let me explain:

I'm sick...well, home sick anyway. I decided to read my brother's blog, which I never do, because he has never posted anything. Well, after reading it I feel like scum of the whole fucking Earth. I am such a BITCH.

Again, you must be confused. Last Sunday, I had to work from 11am-6 pm. I had to leave work at 6 and then go baby-sit this little girl from 6:15 to around 8:30. I was leaving the movie theater, where I work, and I get a call. It's my brother. He's over at his Ex-girlfriend's house and he needs a ride. I get a little annoyed because I know I'm going to be late to baby-sit and I figure "i'll just be a little late and I bet mom and dad told him to call me". So I pick him up, and say maybe two words to him, and I'm pretty sure they were mean words. I get home and my mom's like "you're going to be late, where were you", and I say "picking michael up." I leave the house.

I get home and my mom's eyes are blood-shot because she's been crying. I guess that they (my parents) thought my brother was at his friends. He walked over to his ex-girlfriend's and she and this kid my brother tried to make plans with, were going to a movie and they decided not to invite him(my brother). No biggie, right? Well, another kid shows up and they invite him. This is when I went and got my brother, dropped him off at home, and left. I guess right after I dropped him off, he cried. My mom calls his ex up and asks her if she wants my brother to kill himself and tells her off and then hangs up. I thought "What a Bitch!". I didn't know the half of it.

So like I said earlier, I just read my brother's blog. Here's why I feel like a heartless Bitch. I didn't understand how he was feeling and I really didn't care at the time. I AM SUCH A BITCH! Here's what his blog said:

Sunday, February 27, 2005
today sucked my friend that i was gonna origainally do somthing with said that they didnt want to so later another friend calls and asks if i wanna do somthing well later he called and said he couldnt do anything they were both full of shit eventually the one called the other and asked if they wanted to go to a movie well i called one of them they told me they were going to a movie i left the house and just started walking i know yoo dont think its a big deal i havent left the house to hang out with anyone ever since i tried to kill myself again then i felt like killing myself i was going to go down by the river and just find a spot to freeze to death i went to a friends house but they werent home well i called up one of the friends and asked if i could stop by (before i killed myself) they said i could well i came over and there was another kid there who called and my friend invited them to the movie well big suprise they didnt invite me i really dont care anymore they only wanna be my friends when im not depressed well fuck them both im sick of my god damn life next weekend im gonna stay at a friends house and get so fucked up im just gonna drink and smoke till i pass out or have no idea whats going on i may kill myself again but i really dont know im still here most people would say im lucky to be here i swallowed a bottle of excedrin, advil, tylenol and tylenol pm i didnt die i didnt even pass out i just threw up blood all day and all night i dont know how im gonna do it next time i want it to be painless and a gun seems like teh only way the ammo is in the garage and teh gun in the closet i could always hang myself it dosent matter anymore i just want to end it no one really cares i just dont see the point of being alive anymore i mean really there isnt one i dont believe in god and i dont know what happens when you die i know what im writing now almost no ones gonna read i cant make any difference even if i chance the course of the planet theres really no reason to be alive your all gonna end up dying might as well die sooner then later my parents dont want me going to school but im sure ill end up going anyway i got so much homework but i really dont care anymore im sick of my fucking life no one cares my friends arnt really my friends im just alone in this world and thats how i want to die alone i dont want a funeral i dont want people to act like the care i just wanna all asleep and never wake up again but i know that is not going to happen i dont care how it happens if it dosent hurt or if it does i just wanna get it over with i dont know why im wrting this no one cares everyone says think positive but imagine everything is going your way and then your friends abandon you they act like they care and they just try to bring you down more and they stab you in the back again and again and they say they want to help you and they want you to get better and then you realize you truly alone no one is gonna help you there is no hope i have no hopes or dreams for a future nothing will ever go my way and i can thank those bastards that stabbed me in the back thanks guys i appreciate it ive tried to get better now i dont see the point my life has no point nothing makes me happy anymore i dont even like playing video games which is like my entire life i just feel even more pathetic that im such a nutcase ready to snap at any moment i dont know why i bother wrting this no one cares well that sums up the END of my weekend if im alive ill right more when im in a another equally depressing suicidal mood

8:38 PM

How could I have missed it. I feel like crap now. No, I feel like a fucking, worthless bitch.