Odd wishes...

Didn't go to Madagascar. Mom had a melt down.

Sometimes I wish my mom was a drunk. That way, I wouldn't feel so bad when she told me I was lazy and not talented. She started going off on how I could get straight A's, but I just don't try. How I won't get into college unless I pay for it because I'm not good at anything: grades, sports. I hate when it's something like my unclean room and it escalates into what a disappointment I am. Sometimes I think that maybe if she didn't expect perfection from me and my brother, I'd be happier and Michael may not be the horrible kid he has become. It's unfair to blame it all on her, but when she makes me feel this way, I can't help it.

Sometimes I wish I was an only child. Then I wouldn't have to hear about how selfish I am of not thinking of including my 9-year-old sister in things.

Sometimes I wish I was a guy. Strange, I know. But my dad always stands up for my brother, or so it seems. They have this stupid guy bond. My mom and I sometimes get close, but then she ruins it by telling my all my flaws.

Sometimes I wish I was born into another family. A poorer one with horrible parents so that I could really appreciate what I have.

Sometimes I wish I was 18, so I could move out of this house and into a place of my own. So that my mom treasured the time we had together. So that I didn't have to listen to these stupid rules. Once I am on my own, it's going to be so much better. I'm not naive enough not to realize there are bills and other obstacles. It'll be so nice to be by myself for awhile.

Sometimes I wish I was happy with being me. I need to stop expecting perfection because I am so far from it. That's why I don't try. I tell myself I can't do it before I try. I count myself out before I even get up. That's why I love dieting. I have control over what I do and do not eat. It's the control I long to have over my own life.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't me. I am the worst me. I destroy friendships and then look back at the rubble and wonder what I did wrong. I long for companionship, yet am scared the second the opportunity presents itself. I don't understand why I am the way I am. What I regret most is loosing my friends. I get so scared when I let my guard down that I'll find anything to push people away and put the wall back up. I lie. A lot. And then people hate the person I pretend to be. Because I pretend to be this horrible person. I was really good friends with someone and somehow I managed to screw it up. So as soon as I saw her slipping away, I made up these lies so that I could blame it on something other than me. The worst feeling is being rejected for who you are, instead of who you are pretending to be. That's why I pretend. As to fool myself. To tell me that I didn't really push them away, it was my cover-up. My mask.

Sometimes I wish I knew who I was. I have lost myself is the craziness of life. I don't even know how to find me again. I want to be me. I hate this person I've become. I hate this me. I want the old me back. If only I knew who she was or where she is hiding.

If something should happen.