cake

my mother has an obsession with the actual item. she loves all kinds of cakes. when she isn't dieting, the wonderful but rare occasions, we always have a cake in the house.

i also have an obsession with cake. this cake is different. this cake sings me to sleep and speaks to me on a difficult day. i heard cake on the radio the other day, i was surprised.

the following is a song by cake:

People you love
Will turn their backs on you
You'll lose your hair
Your teeth
Your knife will fall out of its sheath
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
People you hate will get their hooks into you
They'll pull you down
You'll frown
They'll tar you and drag you through town
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show
People you hate will get their hooks into you
They'll pull you down
You'll frown
They'll tar you and drag you through town
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show


college books, not to expensive. high end of 267, and that's if i can only get new books. if i get all the used ones i wanted, i may be able to get out for only 200. college, college, college. excitment fills me like it never has. i wasn't excited for high school like a bunch of people, i knew it was just another school. i see college as my future, my career, my life. oh, the pressure. i miss learning. by the time i enter college, i'll have been out of school for...8 months...dear, that can't be right but it is. wow. what have i been doing with my time.

still have not seen the new harry potter movie. the geek inside of me screams out. the 7th and final book comes out on saturday. oh, happy day. the geek inside of me may die from excitment.

lost persons

the emergency room lost my mom. just to me. she and my family knew were they were. i, however, was in dark of unknown.

the kkk took my baby away, took her away, away from me.
hey, ho, hey, ho,
i don't know where my baby can be.
(this is kinda a sad song)

i like me. i am happy being who i am right now. i am on the right path. isn't it weird that i went through a rebelious teenage stage and cared enough not to let my parents in on it?

someday

i wish i could tell you the story.
the story of my past.
and my pain.
but emotion has no one word.
how does one explain:
the heartache of a trust betrayed.
the knife felt as a friend lies.
the fear of his hand.
no.
i cannot tell you this story.
for you enjoy fairytales.
and happily ever afters.
families of the fifties.
the smile painted on my face.
keep looking at my face.
do not look in my eyes.
they cry out for help.
don't listen to my words.
they are rough from my battle.
the one against my body.
do not look in my eyes.
because i cannot meet yours.
look at my face.
look at the beautiful mask i wear.
i am happy.
i am happy.
i am happy.
take my hand and we'll walk.
we'll leave behind my past.
leave behind my pain.
and escape the right way.
this time i will not force freedom.
like i tried with that bottle.
the orange one.
with a clean, white lid.
and the little blue pills that promised.
no.
take my hand.
we'll forget the hate i felt.
for those who hurt me.
for those who betrayed me.
but mostly,
for myself.
i'll wear my mask.
and you wear your warm coat.
maybe when we're far enough away.
i'll take off my mask.
and you'll take off your coat.
maybe when we're far enough away.
maybe.

...because i'm a girl

losing faith in humanity

so a couple of days ago this guy i know text me "do u have a bf".
i replied "why?".
"cuz me and lyssa (that's his gf) broke up".
"that sucks. i'm sorry. what happened?".
"we were always fighting. wanna fuck?".
"that stinks. sorry to hear it."
"yeah, you never answered my question".
"hmm, what do you think the virgin is going to say?".
"ur a virgin?".
"yep."
"no you aren't".
"yes, i am.".
"oh".

so today i texted lyssa and asked how she was doing. we used to be best friends awhile back and i know how much she loved him and all that jazz. i told her i was sorry to hear about her and her bf splitting up.
"how'd you hear about that?" she asked me.
i decided to be nice and not say that her bf had text me. i lied and told her a guys name.
then she goes, and this is where i lost faith in humanity.
"lol, funny."
so i was confused and asked "why?"
and here's the kicker...
"its funny cuz i already know that u text andy and he thought it would b funny 2 tell u that".
seriously, what kind of person does that? so i told her i was trying to be a decent person and not say, because i thought they were broken up, that her bf text me. i honestly don't understand kids my age. wow, it's funny to pretend to be broken up with your girlfriend in hopes that someone she used to be close with will now have the "courage to mention their undying passion they have held secret for so long."

and my favorite part is how it seems like she's accusing me of texting her boyfriend. as if i have ever flirted with him or started something. heaven forbid i text someone who, i thought, was a friend. i just want to call her and be like "okay, so you know about that text message, do you know about all the other ones? the ones where begs me for pictures? the ones where he says he's so happy i'm single so he can flirt with me?" seriously, this guy is quite the gem. i tell him that he shouldn't be saying these things because he's in a relationship because i am a good person like that. i doubt she's with him all the times he texts me. is she over at 3am, 7am, and other random times like that? and even if she was, she shouldn't be mad because i have never, ever, said or done anything in response except tell him to shove off.

i can't wait until i'm in college and meet some mature people. i guess i shouldn't assume that college is filled with mature people, but i'm hoping their are at least a couple of people who have outgrown drama. drama is the most pointless thing ever and i don't understand why people try to create it.

i can't wait until i'm older, settled-down, in my career, and married. i am way too excited for this. i can't wait until the day i meet and marry my best friend as cheesy as that sounds. when you've got that one person in your corner no matter what, you really don't need anything else. i just hope i pick the right person.

i am so terrified of picking the wrong person. i mean, what if i love them and they are my soulmate but they decided they like to have extramarital affairs. i'm already worried that i'm going to get divorced. i'm catholic, we don't divorce! i guess i just have to trust that i'll find the right person and that we'll last. marriage is forever and i think too many people forget that. too many people get bored and throw marriage out the door. i also think that people don't realize that marriage is work. i've dated a lot of guys who don't realize that relationships take work and after one argument, are running for the door. i know i'm willing to put up with the fights, the bad habits, and the difference of opinions, i just hope my future...mate...is willing to do the same.

wow. got really serious on the marriage stuff their. wouldn't it be crazy if you just met someone and you guys got married? you hear about some of those couples who are celebrating their 50th anniversy and they got engaged after a month of dating, a week, or a couple of days. what would you say if some guy you just met, a great guy who you just seem to click with, asked you to marry him? you could always have a long engagement.

what is the average age of couples marrying? i think it's slowly getting older and older. people want to build a security blanket for "just in case". i think i want to get married young. the only problem with that is people change and what if you and your spouse change into different people?

i work tomorrow. that should be super fun. an 8 hour shift. i wouldn't even be out of work right now. 1-9. with an hour break for lunch. i hope it goes by quickly. i work with kayla so that should be fun.

i cannot wait to go to the lake on sunday. i work this weekend so i can't leave until sunday at 5, when i'm off work. my dad keeps bugging me about the boy at the lake, i just act like he's a nice guy but i have no interest whatsoever. my mom's like "ask for his e-mail so you can send him those pics you took". i'm not doing anything to progress this...whatever. i'm not going to scare a nice guy away and ruin what could be a great friendship over a crush. if something is meant to happen, it'll happen. i've decided it's time to let my life control my life again. i see what happens when i try and control my love life...see past relationships.

well, i'm off to try and concur a chunk of gone with the wind.

good luck and good night.

hospital

i always forget how much i hate the smell and atmosphere of a hospital.

reason for visit? my dad was rushed to the hospital via ambulance from the air base. he was in the early stages of a heartattack. they thought they'd have to preform open heart surgery. they didn't. thank god.

yep. feeling numb. and tired.

so my wonderfully ackward night with e never happened. both to my delight and dismay. i'm happy that i got to put it off, but sad i didn't get it over with. all i want is one, nice night to patch up whatever needs patching before he goes off to school.

random

yep. in case you couldn't tell those last few posts...from last year...were back-up roughdrafts for my comp class.

update. hm. it's summer. which means working. and the lake.

work. okay. i hate thursdays. i love my job, but on thursday it's our SRP (summer reading program) and that means we have anywhere from 200-500 kids in the alloted one hour, sometimes two hour, slot. it's just a little stressful. i just grit my teeth and suck it up, telling myself that as soon as i'm off on friday, i get to scoot off to the lake.

this year is much more interesting. at the lake. last week the neighbor's son had a few friends up so that was interesting. after listening to my parents and sherry, the woman who owns the cabin next to us, talk about what fireworks were like "back in the day", i decided to venture over to the wonderful world of chivalrous boyhood. those guys were pretty interesting once the mysterious water bottle was passed around. even though i'm older than them and i know it was probably the alcohol, it was nice to have guys seem generally interested in me and what i was saying.
and i also met the cutest girls ever. a couple doors over their are a couple of girls who are all around jenna's age. my favorite one, isn't that horrible to say but everyone always has a favorite whether they admit it or not, is this tiffany girl. she's sweet and kinda reminds me of myself growing up. she's a little more shy and anti-social then the others. she needs to be gently persuaded into things, but once she's involved, she's a light.
their is also this really sweet guy, because what story is good without one? i don't know him that well, and it's the summer so it's not like anything will happen. plus, i am not getting any vibes. i do suck at the whole "picking up vibes" thing though. i keep telling myself that it's summer and i'm really not that interested in him, and he'll be off to school at the end of summer, but i find myself hopelessly falling. it's not like my mother really helped. before i even came up to the lake my mom and sherry were building up this great guy and when i got there and actually saw that they weren't exacterating him, it was almost impossible not to develop a small, little, hopeless crush. doesn't really help matters that he's the uncle to the little girls i adore....

wow. i sure missed you blogspot. where have you been. no, where have i been. freedom is blogspot. none of my close friends read this and it's such a freeing thing.

so i'm scared for tomorrow. e, my ex, and i are going to get ice cream and pizza. i want to look great to show him what he's missing. i no longer have feelings for him, but still, who doesn't want their ex to drool when they walk in the door? i just want to say, hey, thanks for breaking up with me, because it made me more of the person i am. i can't believe it took me so long to get over this guy. i said no. maybe that's why. because i was dumped for being me. i'd never been dumped before, but i had never been completly honest with a boyfriend either. i became their dreamgirl, i became the person they wanted me to be. not with e. no, i started to fall into that trap and when i got the nerve to say "hey, we should end this because this isn't me. you want that girl and i'm not her", he played that smooth line "i don't care about all that stuff" and dumped me a week later.

why is it that some guys cannot be broken up with? why must they do the dumping? it made me stronger. i started my new relationships off with a rough "hello, my name is sara tezel, and what you see is what you freaking get. i like to eat. a lot. i love every type of music you can dish out. i laugh at the most random things. and say the wrong things at the worst time. i have problems getting physically close to people. i'm uncomfortable with my body. i love to read and write more than anything. i feel best when i'm making people laugh. and i love to hold hands. i'm trying to cut back on my swearing and be a generally good and honest person."

poor little blogspot. you are second best. i had forgotten about you, as i mentioned before. i cannot find my story because i'm really in the mood to write and it's driving me crazy. i have overcome my writer's block, but cannot rememeber where i left off. i have to throw out my last two chapters after my dream last night. the characters were headed in the wrong direction.

i think i had a total of six dreams last night, at least that i remember. i remember reading somewhere that most people have about fourteen dreams or something. i'm happy i'm one of those people that is blessed and can remember their dreams. those who do not dream, do not have much. what it must be like to wake up with a blank slate. without a thousand and three ideas running through their head. their is nothing better than waking up from a fantasy. from something you want so badly you can taste it but no you cannot have. to be able to live that dream out, even in the slightest possible way is truely a gift.

wow. tangant. sorry. nice to be back.