THE DAMN BABY

IT DIDN'T WORK. I got to work for four little hours and it doesn't work. It wouldn't chime or anything. My mom called the teacher and she wasn't home. I'm gonna fail.

Baby

I have this "Think it over" baby. It is really cute. I am so paranoid. It hasn't cried yet. I think it's waiting until I get in the shower or something. People kept shouting mean things at me about abortion and I'm getting really weird looks. I still think a baby would be wonderful.

what a tangled web we weave

Everyone listening...reading closely? This is going to be a confusing post. First, I must make up names for all those involved.

Closest thing I have to a best friend will be called: Mandy
Second smartest kid in this story, and nosy person, will be called: Bill
Smart person, who I trust, will be called: Tristan
The accused, or something like that, will be called: Rob
Coolest person, this is me, will be called: Sara

(This is a true story, some of the names have been changed to protect the unprotected)

Sara and Mandy went to eat. Sara mentioned this friend of hers would be calling at 10:30, a male friend. Mandy wanted to know who. Sara didn't trust Mandy. Sara had trusted Tristan with it because she had kept Tristan's secrets. Mandy and Bill talk and try to figure it out. They guess Rob, while Sara is not there. They decide. No one can be convinced otherwise. The end.

I am stressing right now. I hate it when people talk about me. Mostly when it is false truths. Which the entire thing is. I must go eat.

Over it.

I am over that mood. I hate it when people are in the whole "woe is me" mood, yet I find myself in it.

I am a little angry at one of my friends. This friend, let's call her friend A, went into friend B's backpack to retrieve a note I wrote to friend B. Friend A must be paranoid that we were talking about her. Just because the note to friend B, was about friend A, doesn't give friend A the right to take it. Friend A didn't even know what it was about. Ugh. People are so annoying. I must end this before I explode.

.

I am so sad. This may sound incredibly suicidal and what not, but I'm starting to wonder what the point of life is. We're all going to die any way. I try and think of what God's plan, I know-cheesy, for me is, and I come up blank. Why was I put here? What is my purpose? I want to help people, but I'm only 16. I want a sign. I need a sign. What am I supposed to do with my life?

Sepressed.

It's a new word. Not a misspelled one. It is new. The word sepressed means sad and depressed. This is when you are sad and depressed. A little easier to understand is by saying the word sepressed means that you are sad because you are aware of the fact that you feel depressed.

I had an okay day. I started feeling really sepressed in chemistry. I just don't care any more. I'm going to tell my dad that if he wants to, we can move. I want to leave. I am so sick of everyone here. I need some guidance. I need to be happy.

I am loud.

I am loud.
Hear me roar.
Of course you can.
I am loud.

I have to work today, tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday. I get this fake baby Friday, which will be really fun. I cannot wait!

Anita is having a BBQ on Saturday, so I am going to go to that. That'll be fun.

This person I know likes this friend I have and this little fact has created so much tension between the friend and this other friend that is obsessed with the person. lol. Anyone out there understand? Didn't think so.

My friend that ran away from home and attempted suicide last week just got out of the hospital. She'll be in school tomorrow! I cannot wait to see her. I miss her so much.

I am having all these mixed feelings about the sophomore I like. I really love talking to him online and on the phone, but it's so different in person. I think that I'm just so self-conscious and I have the tendency to think that people are judging me, or even more so, my weight.

I seem like the type of person who is comfortable with who they are, but I'm not. I'm this loud, annoying, usually mean, person because I don't like to show the real me. Recently...a month or so ago, I was starting to "get involved" with this guy I really liked. I showed him all the parts of me, told him everything, trusted him, and then he rejected me. The thing that sucks with that kind of rejection is knowing that the person rejected YOU, not some mask or front, they didn't like YOU. It's kind of hard to let people in after something like that happens.

I was so happy that I got my unknown in QUAL right! All the tests were inconclusive and I was so worried! I did get my unknown correct though. I was so happy, I started to cry a little. It was so funny that I started laughing really hard, which caused me to cry more.

My dad recently got orders to go to North Carolina for three years, so we thought we'd be moving this summer, but we aren't! He's going to try and get this humanitarian thing which delays orders for six months, and then that spot will be filled. I'd love to move to England. If he had gotten orders to England, I would have been really sad to be moving, but still thrilled. If my dad cannot get the humanitarian thing, then he is going to retire. I don't want him to retire because he loves his job.

I have so much homework and no time to do it with work. I am pulling my hair out. By next week, I will be bald.

I am mean. I need to stop that.

Forever and a day.

I've had to work. I've had church. I was out of town. I didn't feel like it. These are all excuses for why I haven't written.

I work everyday but two, most weeks. Got my paycheck. $250! Biggest yet!

Church with Heidi. I'm, as weird as it may sound, getting closer to God. I believe in Him a lot more now than I ever have.

I went to Minneapolis for Festival of Nations. Got in a fight with my "roomies" then made up after we all slept on it. Ate a lot. Bought a lot at the Mall of America. Laughed a lot. And got lost. Heidi and I also went to Camp Snoopy and we didn't stop laughing. Heidi and I made up conversations between people we know and thought about how some of the guys we know would act on a date. Our stomachs hurt from laughing and dropping (height) on the rides.

I am really happy right now.

Heidi knows who I like. I know Heidi knows. Heidi knows I know that she knows. I lie.

I am so...UGH!

WHY MUST YOU DO THIS??? STOP SENDING MIXED SIGNALS!!!

He isn't on that @*#(@%!!!!

Err! He isn't on. I want him to be on. Scratch that...I need him to be on. Why must he have a life away from the computer?!?

YES YES!

I guess that Nick and Eric were trying to discuss ways to try and get free movie tickets for Star Wars from me. I guess that sexual favors was the favorite. I'm waiting for the offers to start pouring in! I love life!

Hap-hap-happy.

I am so hap-hap-happy. I still need to check with "The Source", but that is okay.

Just got off work. It was really slow, but since I was in a good mood, it went by at a reasonable pace.

I want someone to get online right now. I really want to talk to them. Ugh. I hate being a teenager. We're so gosh damn annoying.

The Sources

As third grade as it is going to sound, it turns out the sophomore guy I like, may also like me. Someone, who shall remain anonymous, told me that they knew someone who liked me. They didn't come out and say the name, but all signs point to the guy. I must check with my source to be sure. I like to be sure so I know wither or not to take action.

Play.

Today was the last day of our play. It was a dinner theater in Cliford. It sucked. Only our group. I sucked. The end.

Curse you two!

My boss wants to promote me but I'm not old enough. If I had been born two years earlier... I am disappointed. My boss said he may break the rule though, he's not sure yet. I hope!

Talk.

Talk is cheap.

There is talk of making me a staff leader. I'd be the only female one and I have worked at the theater far less than half of the people. The talk came straight from the manager's mouth.

This really hot guy (my kind of hot, the skinny guy, longish hair, rocker/hippie kind of vibe, hot) flirted with me when I was cashiering. ME!!! It was really weird. I, to be polite, flirted back and he ended up asking me when I got off work. It was really weird. He was hot, but I had to let him down. I have NEVER had to let anyone down.

I went to flirting with the new assistant manager. The AM is my kind of hot too. I introduced him to everyone and...he's really hot.

I pretty-much flashed everyone at work. I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened. We were in the back room (we being me, Nicole, Lib, and Lindsey, Marcus was out front) working really hard at cleaning. It was so hot that I asked if anyone would care if I unbuttoned my shirt, and no one did. I unbutton my shirt all the way and it let a lot more air in and still was kind of closed. I had to lean over to move a box, and then the shirt flew open. It was so funny. I couldn't stop laughing. I had just put one button together on my shirt when Marcus came back and asked what was going on. I told him that we were all having sex and to go away. It was a good day at work.

Evil.

Day off from school! What am I doing? Hanging with friends? Chilling out? Eating or something else fun? No. I'm baby-sitting my lil sis and her friend Morgan. Life is evil.

Have to send payment for this dress I won on e-bay. I must remember!

Work

I finished almost all of my homework at work! It was great.

My friend Donna came just to talk to me, so that put me in a great mood. I used to see Donna everyday but in November she started going to Community High and I only saw her rarely. It turns out she goes to Heidi's church so I see her almost every Wed. now. I love Donna! It turns out that this guy I like, the junior, told Donna that he thought he loved her as soon as Donna and her current beau Aaron, started going out. I'm a little nervous now. How many guys just come out and say that?

Recap. Sorry for not.

Sorry. I have not written in what feels like forever. Last night I went to Heidi's youth group again, without Heidi. It was still really fun and I hung out with Andrew. It turns out that Andrew and I have the same b-day. We kept joking about having this joint b-day bash. He made me laugh because he said that I was really interesting to talk to. My friends need to realize this and stop telling me to shut up. He's also an awesome writer.

Tonight I work. Eww.

Haven't exercised in about a week and I stopped my diet. I decided that I'm just going to eat healier and eat smaller portions. I need to be smaller.

Bored

I'm scared to weigh myself. I feel bigger than I have been in awhile.

Went shopping with Rick and my little sister for some things for our school paper. My sister acted like she was on crack. Ugh.

Even though my sister was a pain I took her out for dinner at Subway. I am such a nice person!

I like three guys. One is a freshman from Central, one is a sophmore from RR, and the last is a junior from RR. I really like the junior and he has walked with me from 2nd to 3rd two days in a row now. He talked to me in the halls. I told him he had nice pants on, they were new and he was bragging. After he left, I guess I turned really red. He's so frickin hot though! UGH! I...okay, I'll just stop there because I wish to keep this PG.

I hate work. Don't have to work tonight! Yes. But I hate work.

e-bay.

I am addicted to e-Bay. I'm gonna need a program or something. Lord help me!

Nick

Nick is so hot. I want him. (I told Nick that I was writing about how hot he is and he didn't believe me, so I'm writing it now). Nick is really, really hot.

Paycheck

Just got paid...Saturday Night...$220! I love life.

Am winning TWO, count them two! 1...2! Items on e-bay. Both vintage clothing.

Loving life. Have developed a third crush. I am such a whore! I like a guy in every grade-high school except senior. Yep, this guy is a freshman. He plays guitar. He's hot. He took his little sister to a movie. He believes in the same stuff I do. Could he be more perfect?

I am in a great mood! I am in a fantastic mood! This is the good part about liking guys, the bad part is when they break your heart. I AM IN A SUPER MOOD THOUGH!

Dinner and a movie

My friend Miranda and I decided to do dinner and a movie on account of the fact that I did not have to work tonight!!!!

Ate at this Mexican restaurant call Paridiso. It was so good! (I cheated on my diet today, in honor of being so good on it and the fact I didn't have to work on a FRIDAY!) I heart food!

Went to Fever Pitch with Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon. It was super cute.

Am talking to this guy I like. Really happy. Must go.

Not enough for a small child?

Mr. Delmore, my health teacher, informs me that I am not eating enough to keep a small child alive. Wow. Kind of insulting. At least I think so.

Chem. test make-up tomorrow. It sucks. Can wait.

I like a new guy. I don't know what it is with me. I like two at this current moment in time. Todd was making fun of me when he over-heard me talking about this guy, he's like "another one?!?" and I, of course, made it worse by saying "it's only two". I need to stop liking guys! (Note: do not read between the lines of previous statement. not wanting to like guys does not me start liking girls. thank you)

I'm gonna go run outside...or at least try and find someone to run with. Adios!

Not.

I am not talking about the thing someone says I'm now obsessing about.
Feeling faint and passing out are different.
I'm happy right now.

Weird news

WEEK OF APRIL 3, 2005
LEAD STORY

Defensive back Randall Gay wore a New England Patriots jersey as a member of this year's Super Bowl-winning team, but when one of his former college professors tried to order a personalized jersey in tribute to Gay in mid-February, she was turned down. The National Football League's official online merchandiser, NFLshop.com, refused to imprint "Gay" on the back of a Patriots jersey because it was a "naughty" word, one of 1,159 the shop has banned. (Two weeks later, after the Web site Outsports.com picked up the story, the word was removed from the list.) [Times-Picayune (New Orleans), 3-3-05]

(for this and more, go to http://www.world-english.org/news.htm.

This next...paste...is rather long, skip it if you wish.

Real lives
'The hostess was in jeans - imagine!'

A judge this week dismissed a juror for wearing an FCUK T-shirt. But what is appropriate dress in court? And while we're at it, what should you wear in a few other places? Hadley Freeman made some calls Thursday March 13, 2003The Guardian Theatre

Let's start with opera. Opera's quite posh, innit? They must have some reassuringly solid guidelines. "Actually, we don't," responds the plummy press officer for Covent Garden's Royal Opera House. "People can wear what they like." Even if I was wearing smelly Birkenstocks, ripped shorts and a bag on my back as big as a soprano, you'd let me in? "Um, OK."

"We hope men will wear DJs and women will wear dresses, but there are no codes," says the spokeswoman for Glyndebourne, which is about as posh as opera gets. Sounds as if opera is more relaxed than I had thought. "Oh, yes! Women even wear trousers here! Ladies! In trousers!" Surely not.

Populist theatre is a more complex proposition. Take Mamma Mia! at the Prince Edward theatre in London. If you think this would be just a casual night out for you and the rest of the American tourists in town, you're headed for a fashion faux pas on a Fergie scale. "People get dressed up, particularly on the weekends. Lots of Lycra," says Tom Littlechild, account executive for the show. "Seventies gear, you see." Philip Tuten, the theatre house manager, passes on the hot fashion tip that "lots of the ladies come in big wigs."

Court

Courts seem to have pretty fixed ideas about what is and isn't appropriate dress. "No, we don't have a dresscode," says the Old Bailey's spokeswoman. "I've seen jurors in shorts. A bikini probably wouldn't be appropriate, but it's really up to the judge." In the public gallery, anything goes ("We don't have any jurisdiction up there."), although layers should be avoided because "someone might think you're concealing a bomb". What if you're up in the dock? "If the accused is standing there in tattered jeans and a smelly T-shirt, that might not work. I would recommend smart casual." Funny, I had always thought "smart casual" was a criminal offence.

Dinner parties

"Oh, I just hate smart casual!" expostulates networking queen, Carole Stone, who, fortunately, does not have any immediate plans to be up in court. She does, however, have many dinner parties: "I had one for three couples - no, I can't divulge any names, but you'd recognise them," she begins. "One woman came wearing bunny ears and fairy wings, another wore a brocade train, and the third wore a skirt and cardie. No one felt uncomfortable!"

Stone speaks of a whirlwind world where ladies can "whip fine brooches out of their pockets to smarten up" and gentlemen can "rip off their neckties, when they're feeling overly formal." She also suggests "dressing down when in doubt". "Once I was going to a regatta and I felt underdressed, so I bought a £400 jacket on the way. But when I got there, the hostess was wearing jeans! Can you imagine?" No, Carole, I can't.

Religion

Lost in a swirl of foggy advice, where to turn but to one's rabbi? "Why, hi, Hadley, we haven't seen you round here for a while!" says Rabbi Mark Winer at West London Synagogue. Any old ways, next time I, ahem, come to synagogue, what would be appropriate dress? "Modest and proper," are Winer's bywords, which translates to a dress for women and jacket for men. Displaying an almost Diana Vreeland-esque talent at fashion planning, Winer suggests: "If it's a wedding and there's an event afterwards, wear your smart outfit to the ceremony. But really, we're so glad when people come we don't mind what they wear."

Moving swiftly on, what do the Catholics have to say? At Our Lady Queen of Peace in Bournemouth, people tend to be "reasonably dressed, although we do see shorts in the summer," says the housekeeper.

Is the C of E more prescriptive? "No, we're very relaxed," chirrups Dr Martin Dudley, rector of St Bartholomew's church, in the City of London. No rules at all? "We don't allow men to wear hats - except if they're builders and they're doing some works for us."

Sport

Perhaps sport is now the opiate of the masses, so maybe it is to the stadiums insteads of temples that we should turn for guiding light. "Nope, all very casual round here, not head-to-toe designer," says the press officer for Fulham Football Club. Should the light of heaven shine and you are invited into the corporate box at Fulham, don "jeans, jackets, smart shoes". Is this, by any chance... "Yes. Smart casual." The All England Club advises that Wimbledon spectators should "just be reasonably dressed and enjoy the game. I can't understand what else you want to know."

The Marylebone Cricket Club is more specific. "We don't allow any musical instruments and flags at Lords," says the MCC. "If you were sitting next to someone with a French horn, why, your enjoyment of the cricket match would be ruined! Flags obscure people's view, and it's the same with mock Viking hats, which seem to be quite the fashion item in certain quarters."

First-class air travel

"If you want to be bumped up to first class, dress formally," advises British Airways. "Skirt or trousers for women, jacket and trousers for men." If you aren't a blagger and actually fork out £6,000 for a first class seat you are "allowed to wear whatever you like".

The bank manager

Let's ask my bank manager for his opinions on appropriate dress - his views tend to be hard and unswerving. So, Mr Browne, what is appropriate to wear to a meeting with one's bank manager? "Oh, Miss Freeman, what have you done now, eh?" But Mr Browne does indeed have some views. "Best to look smart. As long as it's not offensive you should be fine."

Does he find "FCUK" offensive? "Well, a French Connection shop is right next door to us, so it wouldn't be very sensible if I did, would it?"

Sick.

I went home sick today. Felt like I had a fever and I had trouble going up the stairs after second hour. I grabbed onto the railing and by the time I reached the top, I was out of breath. My mom thinks I may need to stop dieting.

I need to exercise. I feel so big right now! I haven't exercised in two days.

I felt so alone today. I've been feeling detached from everyone lately. I hate feeling this way. I was talking about work and then Todd brought up seeing me and how I looked unhappy...I wanted to tell him the reason I was unhappy was because of him, and some other people. I felt invisible. I am getting used to the feeling. Everyone has friends, but I don't feel as if I have any. No one ever asks me to do anything, no one ever asks me out, I feel like that. A no one. I can stand the no one asking me out part, because I am in tenth grade and have plenty of time for that, but as for the friends. Sometimes I wish that the thought of inviting me to do something would enter into someone's mind, anyone's. I'm not suicidal or anything, so don't worry. I'm just lonely. The treadmill is my escape. All my problems float away when I exercise.

The feeling.

I am a part-time cashier. First step to become a full time one. By part-time I mean that sometimes I am a cashier, others a vendor.

So much has happened! and so little time to explain. The biggest thing is...I lost a grand total of 11 pound in 10 days. Everyone is asking me if I'm eating. And yes, I am eating. lol, I get really full, really early now. I think my stomach shrunk. My mom says I look thinner, but I don't see it. She also says I lost my...um...butt, lol, thanks for noticing mom. I hated my butt so this comment surprisingly made me feel really good. I felt skinny for the first time in what seems like forever, today. I like the feeling. Skinny.

The promise of...an interesting title!

I may get promoted. Someone turned the power off at the theater-we don't know who. Three people walked out. Today was interesting.

Today and yesterday

Okay. Today I exercised. Did it as soon as I got home because I have to go to work at 5! I'm good though.

Sin City comes out today...really nervous. I hope I can be concessions again, lol. Must go get ready for work.