more. later. promise.

don't work tomorrow so i'll write nice long post. saw wedding crashers again. saw must love dogs. worked. ate a lot. found out huge news. matress race tomorrow!

home.

just got home from wedding crashers. tonight was interesting. it's gonna be great tomorrow! will post tomorrow night.

413

okay. this is another lil thing on the past few days.

auntie linny asked me if i had a boyfriend. i told her no. then the whole family goes off on how evil men are and how i should stay away as long as possible. then they told me how lucky gale, their sister who couldn't make it is, because she is divorced and can take up the whole bed and doesn't have to shave. this made me laugh. usually my uncle will be like "you seeing anyone right now?" and i'll tell him no, then he'll say "don't worry. you'll find someone soon." like i need to be married or am about to die or something.

went out and picked raspberries and saw a broccoli plant! it looked so neat! it makes me want to grow broccoli now.

my family makes me laugh because kathy kept talking about when she and her husband would leave home and leave the boys, that they'd have these huge parties. i guess they put lots of wholes in the wall and became very good at fixing them that they didn't know about one until this kid was drunk at a wedding and started talking about it.

susie's oldest is in college and may come to grand forks for the pharmacy school. she was valedictorian of her class. she's really pretty and funny and i hope she comes down. i went to her graduation. she dyes her hair a lot and dresses "differently". she is one of the coolest people and i'd love to go out for coffee with her.

everyone on my mom's side is addicted to coffee! i knew it was in my genes! it was really funny because linny got susie addicted to coffee. we went through three pots of coffee. we were wired. plus some of the cousins were a lil tipsy.

slide into my room.

italiano.

my family is very italian. a fact i never realized until this girls get together.

we're all in the kitchen cooking this huge meal that is fit to feed numerous armies and the realitives keep arriving bringing only more food. my grandma is trying to teach my sister the family recipe for the sauce while some of my cousins are getting loud because of the red wine they keep drinking. two glasses is the most that was had and some of the cousins just seemed to enjoy smelling the wine.

we're loud like an italian family. my great aunt idea mutters in italian. everyone is shouting and laughing and it's like we're this huge family.

about half of us, the under 57 half, went shopping. not too many of us, only about 7, but the lady of one store asked if we were a bus.

i'm having a great time. they keep talking about the good ole' days and i think i'm missing out. more later.

fly with me.

150 random things about me.

1. i'm a vegetarian. over two years now!
2. i like random things.
3. i like my body most of the time.
4. i love getting compliments on my shoes from payless.
5. dirty dancing is my favorite movie. i own it on dvd and vhs.
6. i never went to camp. i started to want to go in 8th grade.
7. i love to sew and create things.
8. i wanted to be a professional singer in 3rd grade. who was allowed to dance on stage.
9. i love playing video games. i've tried to stop, but they keep coming out with good ones!
10. i hate the whole idea of a best friend.
11. i like being single although i like the idea of a boyfriend.
12. subway is my favorite fast food place.
13. italian and mexican food are my favorite genres of food.
14. i was bulimic for a week to show myself no one would notice or care.
15. i like my job. i don't know why. it stresses me out. let me re-phrase this. i like the people i work with.
16. i want two turtles so i can name them alfonso and alfredo.
17. i get my braces off on the 25th of august.
18. i'll be a junior next year!
19. i can't fall asleep unless a tv is on or some other soft noise.
20. i like to laugh. the "i'm gonna wet myself" laugh.
21. i like reciting lines from napleon dynamite even though i don't like the movie.
22. i like george w. bush.
23. i love angelina joile. she is so hot! i'd become a lesbian for her and her only!
24. i always end up falling for dorks. i love dorky guys.
25. i took a shower this morning and ponder global warming.
26. i get jealous very easily.
27. i've worn shorts three times this summer. it's the first time i've worn shorts in public since the beginning of 7th grade!
28. i am a fan of country music. it's not hill billy like like many people believe.
29. i got in this fender bender where a guy backed into my car this past year and my life didn't flash before my eyes. i was mad.
30. i don't have a house phone. my family only has cell phones.
31. 17. that's the number of underage people i let into R movies today.
32. i love doing random things.
33. i think brad pitt isn't a very good actor.
34. i have to have something around my wrist or i feel naked.
35. i want to save someone's life before i die.
36. i've swam with sharks before. i had to have a lifeguard get me because i was really scared and refused to move off this huge coral thing.
37. my favorite vegetable is aspargus.
38. i didn't know how to spell Joseph until this year.
39. sometimes i crave a pepsi. i'm usually more of a coke girl.
40. i don't know how to dive.
41. i can't blow bubbles with my gum.
42. i don't know how to whistle.
43. slide is my favorite song.
44. i weighed 64 pounds in 4th grade.
45. i love ice cream. and any other dessert. my aunt always says it slips in and fills the cracks.
46. i love to cook.
47. i've been paid for being in a play.
48. i've never smoked a cigarette though i was tempted once.
49. i've never had a drink of alcohol even though i've been to a drinking party.
50. virgin! and proud of it!
51. my first concert was backstreet boys.
52. my last concert was barenaked ladies. i didn't even know who they were.
53. actually, my last concert was incubus. i liked half of it.
54. i spent most of the incubus concert talking with this guy will, who i didn't really like until that night.
55. i love pick-up lines.
56. i know i don't have a fantastic singing voice but it doesn't keep me from belting it in my car when i'm alone...or with select friends.
57. i believe the speed limit should be raised from 25 to 30. everyone drives 30. except the old people who dirve 20...then they'll increase to the old speed limit.
58. i love old people. they don't scare me like they do a lot of people.
59. clowns are alright. i'm not a huge fan of the horror movie ones, but the normal ones are alright.
60. i love to drive.
61. raisin bran is my favorite cereal.
62. my chemistry teacher thought i was pregnant.
63. i'm not as smart as some people think.
64. my vision is a lil impared. i wear glasses when i'm driving alone or at home. also at school to see the over-head.
65. i have a lot of friends. sometimes it's hard because some hate the others.
66. i've cried to get out of a speeding ticket.
67. part of me wants to be a home maker. the other part is all for starting a business or something.
68. i love coffee. a lot. too much.
69. i only like granny smith apples.
70. i work at a movie theater and after more than 7 months, i still like the popcorn.
71. i attempted to commit suicide when i was in middle school. twice.
72. i lie. a lot. too much.
73. i love getting phone calls. it's nice to know someone thought of you.
74. walmart is really fun when you're with the right people.
75. i ruin friendships. the ones where i'm a part of it. i destroy them. i don't do it on purpose.
76. i tend to repeat things.
77. i tend to repeat things.
78. my friend heidi helped save me. if it wasn't for her, i would have lost a lot of the character i pride myself on now.
79. the reason i don't gave to peer pressure is because i can't bare the tought of disappointed my parents or turning out like my brother.
80. i love cheese. it's one of my favorite foods.
81. soup is one of my favorite foods. my second favorite.
82. subs are my favorite food.
83. i feel lonely a lot.
84. i want to buy a car. it wouldn't be as nice as the one i have now, but i would have paid for it.
85. i'm taking a month off from work.
86. i wrote a song for my best friend in 3rd grade when she moved away. my uncle who's in a band helped me and played guitar and sang on the cassette. i never gave it to her.
87. i try and find friends i had in elementary school.
88. i wanted a tattoo to be different, then realized everyone had one, so i changed my mind.
89. i love nick@nite.
90. i have this scar on my leg from where a glass window shattered and hit it. it's small, but there.
91. i have this strange mark on my foot from where the clothes iron fell on it when my brother and i were playing and i knocked it over. it looks like this.
92. i get in this "remember when" mood and draw in coloring books.
93. the last person i asked out, wasn't interested. they gave excuses. i wish they'd just said something like "you're too good of a friend".
94. i love to learn new things.
95. i'm taking automotives my senior year so i understand my car.
96. my first car was a '90 red toyota wagon. it was so ugly. i loved it!
97. i haven't read the newest harry potter.
98. i love cheesy romance novels and movies.
99. when i was in 7th grade my neighborhood kids made a leaf fort on my berm. it was around four feet tall and had multiple rooms. the leaf man took it away and i cried.
100. i don't like to take medicine like pain killers. i don't like the idea of it inside me killing things. i tell myself if i can't deal with it, what's childbirth gonna do to me?
101. i will not take tylenol after my brother took a bottle to try and kill himself.
102. i can fall asleep anywhere.
103. my grandma calls me fat or some other word meaning the same, at least twice everytime i see her.
104. i want to be famous.
105. i don't know what i want to major in or become when i grow up.
106. i have trouble leaving friends behind.
107. i am obsessive.
108. i'm not athletic.
109. i like to climb trees.
110. i want children. i want anywhere from 2-4. i love kids.
111. my current friends are my life line. when i feel like i'm drowning they're always there with something encouraging.
112. i was going to eat meat once at school, but the line i was in ran out. the person in front of me got the last turkey taco thing. i think it was a sign.
113. i talk in my sleep.
114. i've been known to sing in my sleep.
115. i love to jet-ski and go tubeing.
116. i'm slowly getting over my fear of spiders.
117. i don't hate anyone. i dislike with a passion.
118. i almost drowned at one of my birthday parties. i thought God saved me. it was my neighbor steve.
119. when i was in 1st grade i fell in love with this guy named patrick. he had a girlfriend named ashley. they had quarter machine rings.
120. i miss elementary school. 3rd grade and under.
121. my uncle taught me how to shoot when i was in 4th grade. we shot cans in the woods. i haven't fired a gun since.
122. i like the act of fishing. i like to sit on the dock with my unbaited line in the water.
123. i'm scared of commitment.
124. i'm a huge flirt. i don't really know how to stop.
125. i am a huge patriot. it has to do with having a father in the military.
126. i love quotes. once i went over to my friend Jessie's and while she cooked, i read quotes and had her guess the author.
127. all the guys i've "dated" i don't consider official.
128. duct tape is over-rated in my opinion.
129. i have a birthmark on my face and though faded, people still ask what happened. it looks like someone stuck a cigarette to my face.
130. i can out-eat most people.
131. i love the rain.
132. i love when it's cloudy outside.
133. i wish i was as smart as most of my friends. sometimes it's like their speaking another language called chemistry.
134. i'm in regular math.
135. i got an incomplete on my report card in 7th grade.
136. when my dad goes overseas i make him tell me where he's going even though he's not supposed to. that way i can watch and check on how things are going in that country.
137. i'm against abortion except in rape and incest.
138. i love to read.
139. i've never had a manicure. or a pedicure. i may get a manicure soon though.
140. i was hit in the head 4 times in gym in one day.
141. i've faked being sick to get out of swimming in gym.
142. i love the color white. it's my current favorite color.
143. i think michael jackson is misunderstood.
144. i think the whole Arnold being governor of CA is crazy. what next? Madonna for prez?
145. my eyes change colors.
146. i have a knack for saying the wrong thing.
147. i speak before i think.
148. i'm stubborn and have too much pride.
149. in 3rd grade i tackled my crush and kissed him.
150. i can be shy.

weight.

played an interesting game of "guess my weight" at work. horrible game. i have never played this game where it's turned out nicely. until today.

was in the box with kindra and missy and we started talking about our weight and insecurities and what not when missy, who is chubby, suggests we play the game. she was talking about how she knows she's not normal and how she'd call herself fat. i get stuck with the job of guessing to which she says, don't hold back, and i honestly guess 170. which is 8 pounds under. we guess kindra's but she says she never weighs so wouldn't know. she has the most perfectly built body! i wouldn't weigh if i looked like her. then they guess mine. honestly. and they guess i'm about 128, 130 on a bad day. i love them so much for that. i tell them my real weight and they tell me i carry it very well. i tell them it's in the boobs.

something i hate. one of my friends, who is thinner than me, is talking about how she needs to watch her weight. i hate when skinny people say that. i've accepted the fact that i'm plump and will never be a size 0. but when skinny lil biotches talk about losing weight, it annoys me!

sorry for such a girly subject.

my pink shoes are really dirty! especially the shoelaces. i don't tie my shoes. the shoes were so cheap that the shoelaces cost more. the shoes were $3 at payless. i love them. and teh expensive $4 shoelaces.

going to this girls day out/mini family reunion tomorrow. this means i will be two/three days without a computer. i think i'm gonna try and get to the public library--i never know how to spell this, no matter how many times i look it up, sorry--and get online. it may not happen so i'll blog when i get home.

the past is real.

nudist colony

i just found this conversation interesting. to protect those involved, the friend's name will be censored.

****** says:
before I die I want to spend the weekend in a nudist colony hahhahha

like ok and stuff says:
i want to go to a nudist colony before i die!

like ok and stuff says:
that'd be so kick ass

****** says:
we should so go

like ok and stuff says:
it'd have to be in italy or some place where i wouldn't know anyone

like ok and stuff says:
lol, sounds like you just want me to get naked...

just thought i'd post it.

my sanity, cuz i wanna feel the blah blah blah....

despressed...again.

Yeah, I just decided I don't like boys. They are so...ugh! I am slowly starting to wonder if I still like A. I haven't seen or talked to him in forever. I guess maybe in the back of my head I've gotten used to this 'single' thing. Not caring if I have to impress someone, or eat something. I just like being comfortable and once I get involved with a guy I feel like I'm no longer being myself. I'm Saraandwhat'shisname. I'm a unit. I don't like unit. I like just being me. If I could buy gum by the stick, I would. Because then it would just be gum, not a pack of gum. Have you ever wondered how the individual piece of gum feels? Being labeled like all the other gum in the pack? Me neither. Until now.

Went to Jessie's and hung out with her and Georgia. Then we decided to go get coffee with Evan and two of his friends. We ended up playing hide and go seek in Walmart. Jessie and I got yelled at for riding on skateboards that were half in a box. Opps! People can test bikes, why not skateboards?

I just got really dizzy.

My grandma is in the hospital. She felt sick and now she's spending the night. She has an ulcer or something. Don't I sound like a loving, concerned granddaughter?

Sick of everyone!

I didn't get fired at work! The staff leader who fired me didn't have the power to! I am taking a month off because I have been so stressed out when it comes to work lately. Luckily he said that he could give me the month off when I explained. Kept saying how much they wanted to keep me at the theater. Mentioned a possible promotion to cashier when I get back! I am really happy about that! I hope!

I am still all stressed out about the boyfriend thing. I hate how everyone wants to pair up like we're about to go on the ark. Somedays I really want a boyfriend, a best friend type. That's whenever I'm lonely though. I don't have a best friend. So that's why I want a boyfriend because then they become your best friend, or really close to it. I used to sort of have this best friend, then she always talked about her best friend, and we had this sort of falling out. It was sad and I miss all the stupid stuff we did. Then I got all anti-best friend. Bad thing, anti-best friend. Makes you anti-social and lonely.

I wonder if I'm that 1 in every 100 people who is asexual. I doubt it. I get very...well, let's just say I'm not asexual. Life would be easier if I were. Then I could become a nun. Nun's have it nice. The nuns in Whoopi Goldberg movies, anyway.

I just want to be alone, you should've never come around, why don't you just go home?

lake and no go.

spent the day at the lake. i am half a shade darker! wooh!

went to the island and was going to talk to my boss. he wasn't there! ugh! so confused. will explain when it is a decent hour.

i am so stressed out right now. i feel like checking into a psyc ward or something just so i can relax. i know, how stressful, going to the lake. it's work though. and guys.

again, will explain at a decent hour when my brother isn't hovering over me.

ain't no sunshine when he's gone.

what?

i think i was fired.

404 edit...(405)

okay. was at grandma's from tuesday til this morning. spent most of the time on the jet ski and tubing. it was a lot of fun. michael actually acted like a normal brother and decided to give up on the computer, it wasn't working properly, and come join us for some good, ole fashion, sunshine. everyone says i tanned. i still feel white. hopefully when we go up next week i start to tan.

worked today. saw jared who i haven't seen since summer g.r.e.a.t which was fun. some guy from albania that was in my summer school class. and louie! omg! i missed him. he graduated last year(?) or i guess it might actually be two years ago. he's the coolest guy ever! he was an aid in my drama class and now he works at blockbuster when he's here.

got home and had 49 e-mails...actual e-mails, from people i know. a sent me one which makes me very happy because now i know he's back in town. i think i'll call him tomorrow and chat for a bit.

grandmother from texas is up. this is always interesting. she believes harry potter is of the devil so i'll have to sneak read my copy...that i have yet to buy.

i am morgan la fe-fo. i am from parie. parie t.x. i do not know wut de t.x. stand for, but i am french american...like canadian bacon. do not question me! (i was pretending to be a person who paris, tx who thought they were from paris, france at work...it was interesting).

i work with this girl, jenny, who is blind and she told us that we should all try being blind for a day. she said this in response to jackie and i checking out two bus loads of football players that came to the theater. it'd be nice to judge people by character. in reality, it starts with looks. eventually, hopefully, you get away from it...but it does start with the outside. i wish that i could look past the outside. chris thinks i like his friend luke now because i asked what his name was. boys!

could you whisper in my ear, the things you want to feel.

404

Just got back from vacation at my grandma's. other grandma, the one from texas, is staying with us for 9 days now. lots of news. have to go to work though. more when i get off work.

forgot.

forgot i had a blog.

worked today.
saw pirates last night.
looking for new cell phone.
leave to baby-sit in 2.5 hours.
i need a new life.

charlie and joe.

just got home from charlie and the chocolate factory. i loved it. it was so funny. i am going to end up buying it. it is another reminder of how wonderful johnny depp is.

turns out joe, this guy i work with, likes someone at work. we're all trying to figure it out. he only told us because we asked nicole out for him, who is someone that...well, they wouldn't mesh.

my brother comes home at 1:00 tonight...or tomorrow. depends on which you prefer.

work was okay. i ended up cashiering. w and a said they were going to call, last night, and try and get me to give them free tickets because they didn't like war of the worlds. today i could've gotten them in free, but they didn't call. their lose.

back to work. i brought the da vinci code, book for those of you not in the know, to work and had more people talk to me, like a conversation, then ever. people who read it wanted to know where i was, other people wanted to know if i liked it and would recommend it. some other people told me books i'd like if i liked that one, i have a list of 7 now. one includes the previous one, angels and devils...i think that's what it's called. close enough. it was very interesting. i found out some hot guys read. yes. some hot guys don't just look good. one started talking about it and the deeper meaning, beneath the words...i sort of tuned him out because i was amazed at the way his lips and lip ring moved when he talked. tip for all the singles out there: BRING A WELL KNOWN BOOK WITH YOU ALL THE PLACES YOU GO!

chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum i hate the most.

no title.

random.
no order.
jet skied before work.
helped door at work.
saw will.
and austin.
blisters are almost gone.
watched fantastic 4 after work.
with kindra and.
massive dustin.
sorry bout that.
i insult.
don't mean to.
but do.

melting.

i hate my shoulders sooo much! i want to take a knife and just scrape that skin off, gross, ik. it hurts so much. it looks like i just have glumps of some clear gel on me. i can't wear a bra with straps and i keep on changing halter tops. so i have to work in about half an hour and that means a real shirt, which'll suck. i hope that he'll let me off early so that i don't have to suffer too much.

tonight i am doing something that i shouldn't be. not anything illegal. just got invited to do something with this guy my friend likes. i tried to say no and explain i ended up canceling my plans for tonight, harry potter party, because i really don't want to move more than i have to. so he threatens to come pick me up and i tell him he doesn't know where i live, but does that stop him? no. he looks it up. so i may end up hanging out with him. don't want to. i'm going to call and tell him i'm sick. yeah...that'll work.

little pieces of the nothing that fall.

blisters and braces.

went to the carnival with c. it was a lot of fun. i went on the zipper for my first time ever. i smacked me head to the front twice. it was funny. went on tons of rides. got the cool braclet thing! i ended up feeling sick. i never get sick because of rides. i think it's because too much sun.

while on the carisol (spealing is huribel, plweas xcus!) i noticed that i have blisters all on my sholders. it is really gross. don't know what else to say about that. before blisters (is worse than it looks). be fore-warned, i think these pics are really gross===>blisters(1) and blisters close-up(2)

i'm finally getting my braces off. after forever. i thought i was going to strangle my dentist because he's like "they're not 100%..." then he decided that it'll be by the time they are off. party!

right side of the highway.

i can...nvm.

in huge trouble. my parents have my car because they decided to be nice and fill it up with gas and a car wash. it's just an excuse to dig through it. my mom just called and asked me about this condom she found in the glove box (unopened!) and i told her someone must have put it there as a joke.

last thing i want is for my parents to think i'd ever think of being sexually active before marriage. i used to think, what the hell, it's just sex. but then i started going on wed.s to j and h's church and i started to really question what i believed in. it's kind of ironic because j and i were talking about how sex is what really makes a marriage a marriage instead of just a relationship yesterday.

my parents must have been in shock. i learned only recently that my brother and his ex. had slept together and it's because i over-heard them and i read his ex's blog. i was shocked. talk about tmi. he once showed me all these condoms this kid had given him as a joke, but wow. i still don't want to admit my brother had sex. it's so...wrong. he was a freshman! it was his first girlfriend. he was, he is so young. my brother is growing up a lot faster than i want him to. i wish he would get some beliefs other than "live for the moment".

he doesn't believe in God. he always laughs if i mention Him or the impact He makes on our lives everyday. i wish he'd believe in something other than "we just appeared one day". i'd be thrilled if he became christian, but that is a little too far to reach for him. from going from believing their is no God to becoming a christian? not gonna happen. even if he never finds God, i want him to have strong beliefs. hard to expect from a boy who shoplifts, smokes, and has/had sex. maybe i could try and convince him to become a "recycled virgin".

songs about babies and love that goes right.

burned.

i am so sunburned! i had one of the best days i've had in forever today! it was a girl day out. it was so much fun. will add onto this post later.

added part: went to get ice cream and went swimming. the public pools are sooooo crowded, so we went to the country club. it was really fun. i was one, of the two, ghostly white people. h being the other. i burned so badly. ugh! it hurts.

was going to do something with g and h, but they wanted to go to the mall and i wasn't in the mood to try on clothes, with my skin hurting the way it did, so i went to Fantastic 4 with a friend, s. i really liked it. it may have been because i had such low standards for it. after the movie ended, s came over and we ate cookies and dessert and talked about the men in our life, or the ones not quite there.

will post more later.

i wonder if you ever think of me when you're bored.

must have.

must have called 15 people to see if anyone wanted to go to fantastic four. no one was home. or they couldn't. so here i am. at home. on the computer.

i finally called a. yeah, turns out he's going to be gone for the next week. i am so irritated that i didn't call him sooner. arg! i miss him now that i know he's not in grand forks.

k comes back thursday! i am so excited. i miss her like craziness. d keeps joking that he's been cheating on her. they are "husband and wife" and they have this weird thing with kit-kats. i don't understand it.

more later when i stop feeling so sorry for myself!

scared.

okay. i am so scared right now. i'm shaking.

rewind and stop.

past history.

we have these popcorn cards at the movie theater. buy 9 large popcorns get one free. i wrote my number on the back of one for my friend jackie and she wrote: Sara then a little lower:call me! with a winky guy. she must've forgotten to take it, because this guy named michael just called me and asked me about it.

he's like "so you want to 'do something" (do something said in the sleeziest way). and i'm like "my friend must've done it as a joke", and he wouldn't drop it. i'm all scared he's going to call me again or show up. my parents said he'll drop it and i don't have to change my number, but i am really scared.

i'm paranoid. i'm going to check the back of all the popcorn cards i get for this creepy guy. who would call? maybe sarah or savannah or donna gave it to him and he thought they were giving him their number. none the less,

i am shaking.

Vaca update.

Friday:

We just got to this cabin we're renting. It's cute. Mom has already begun washing everything down (she's a bit of a clean freak). We aren't right on the lake (Twin Lake), but the people who we're renting the cabin from, are, so we just get to go down, across the street, to their cabin to go swimming. I didn't bring a swimsuit, but Jenna did, so I bet we'll be spending much time down there. We're going to go check out this store thing in the closest town.

Saturday: Went to Park Rapids I think it's called. Did Go-Cart racing and Summerville Farms. Good food at Summerville farms. Vaca is going alright. Better I think because my brother ended up going to Minot for 9 days. Will never know I guess.

Sunday: Went tubing. For those of you paying attention. I did NOT bring my swimsuit. I went with my little sister and mom and we didn't get wet. But then he cranked it up when it was just my dad and I...we got drenched. Went jet skiing. That was really fun. Ate at this place called Speak Easies for lunch. It is the coolest place to eat. The waitors are dressed like the mafia. It was twice as cool because I knew some of the history surrounding Speak Easies. Went to my first Flea Market. It was alright. They started closing early because of the heat. I bought this old amo holder that was used in WW2. Leaving tomorrow by noon, so the Monday update will just be me on the computer...

Moday: Me, on the computer. yeah, the notes/diary thing I kept, aren't the best, but it gives you an idea of what i did. came home and got my schedule. i only work three days this week and one of them, i can't work. i am so mad. ugh. i'm going to be volunteering for more hours.

really tired and don't feel like writing. will tomorrow because i 'have the day off' (bitter voice). ugh!

fishing in the dark, lying on our backs and counting the stars.

vaca.

going on vaca with the fam. no idea where. no idea what we are doing. it's an hour and a half away. that's all i know.

so, needless to say, i will not be posting during the next few days. i think i'm going to "blog" on paper, and then type it all here when i get back. cuz i'm cool like that.

last day of summer school! yes! i ended up with a b, but i am okay with that. we watched forrest gump and i understood most of it (last time i saw it, i was like 10). i never realized that forrest is mentally handicapped until watching it in class. i was shocked.

last night i called my friend h to talk. but she was out and about so i told her i'd call her back, which i ended up not doing (it was late by the time i'd have had the chance). so, being lonely as i was, called e. at first it was a little strained because e and i don't talk that much unless in person. we're friends, but not really good friends. but by the end, i found out it was easier to talk to her than to h.

e and i talked about prom, which seems so close. we're both terrified at the thought of not being asked. we talked about school, work, and boy. notice boy is singular, lol. talked about friends and other normal crap. i was trying to fall asleep, before i called e, so when my mom randomly heard laughter coming from my room, she was confused. i hung up with e and my mom called me into the living/family room-downstairs one.
"who was that?"
"that was e***. i know i said i was going to bed, but i couldn't fall asleep."
"do i believe you" (in reference to the whole a calling and me telling her it was h)
"want me to call her?"
"good-night"
honestly, one little, white lie and she no longer trusts me. why does she have to know who i'm talking to anyway? i just want to tell her to get a life and back out of mine.

need to study for ap biology. worst thing about ap classes are the summer classes. i end summer school, history, only to prepare for regular school, biology. this is no life for me. my mom's like "maybe you shouldn't take this many classes. take a few and get a's in them. what good is a whole bunch of b's going to get you". she doesn't understand. i need to take all these acedemic so that i can take fun classes. i need fun classes so i can lent stress out in a healthy way, during the school day-this way, i don't come home with an "attitude". or that big of one anyway.

i'm thinking of volunteering again. it's been so long. i figure that if i only do it twice a week, i should be alright, not too swamped. i was thinking about going back to a nursing home, not the one i was at before. or seeing about the humane society.

i also need to call about if it is too late to help with elementary spa. i loved doing it last year and you get a bit of a credit. or teaching something. i wonder if you have to be old to teach girl scout, the little kid ones.

i also have to check on classes at hancock fabrics again. i want to learn to quilt, or crochet, or something. i know how to sew and simple things like that. i want to take a class where i can learn something. like a cooking class would be fun. something along those lines.

never spoke of His name.

wonderful mood!

isn't it strange how I can go from depressed to...thrilled, in such a short times notice?

Reasons I, Sara, am in a wonderful, fantastic mood:

1. Got to get off work early.
2. Called A! He said it was great to hear the sound of my voice! Want to fall over and die right now. Because I am floating.
3. Ate well below calories during day so I had a HUGE supper.
4. Talked to A! lol, I know that's twice, but it was that wonderful. He's going to call me this weekend!
5. Summer school ends tomorrow!

happy ughs! must go text k. i'm supposed to keep her updated! lol.

Tell me I'm the only one, wanna come over tonight?

Odd wishes...

Didn't go to Madagascar. Mom had a melt down.

Sometimes I wish my mom was a drunk. That way, I wouldn't feel so bad when she told me I was lazy and not talented. She started going off on how I could get straight A's, but I just don't try. How I won't get into college unless I pay for it because I'm not good at anything: grades, sports. I hate when it's something like my unclean room and it escalates into what a disappointment I am. Sometimes I think that maybe if she didn't expect perfection from me and my brother, I'd be happier and Michael may not be the horrible kid he has become. It's unfair to blame it all on her, but when she makes me feel this way, I can't help it.

Sometimes I wish I was an only child. Then I wouldn't have to hear about how selfish I am of not thinking of including my 9-year-old sister in things.

Sometimes I wish I was a guy. Strange, I know. But my dad always stands up for my brother, or so it seems. They have this stupid guy bond. My mom and I sometimes get close, but then she ruins it by telling my all my flaws.

Sometimes I wish I was born into another family. A poorer one with horrible parents so that I could really appreciate what I have.

Sometimes I wish I was 18, so I could move out of this house and into a place of my own. So that my mom treasured the time we had together. So that I didn't have to listen to these stupid rules. Once I am on my own, it's going to be so much better. I'm not naive enough not to realize there are bills and other obstacles. It'll be so nice to be by myself for awhile.

Sometimes I wish I was happy with being me. I need to stop expecting perfection because I am so far from it. That's why I don't try. I tell myself I can't do it before I try. I count myself out before I even get up. That's why I love dieting. I have control over what I do and do not eat. It's the control I long to have over my own life.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't me. I am the worst me. I destroy friendships and then look back at the rubble and wonder what I did wrong. I long for companionship, yet am scared the second the opportunity presents itself. I don't understand why I am the way I am. What I regret most is loosing my friends. I get so scared when I let my guard down that I'll find anything to push people away and put the wall back up. I lie. A lot. And then people hate the person I pretend to be. Because I pretend to be this horrible person. I was really good friends with someone and somehow I managed to screw it up. So as soon as I saw her slipping away, I made up these lies so that I could blame it on something other than me. The worst feeling is being rejected for who you are, instead of who you are pretending to be. That's why I pretend. As to fool myself. To tell me that I didn't really push them away, it was my cover-up. My mask.

Sometimes I wish I knew who I was. I have lost myself is the craziness of life. I don't even know how to find me again. I want to be me. I hate this person I've become. I hate this me. I want the old me back. If only I knew who she was or where she is hiding.

If something should happen.

to do list-edit.

to do within the next week.

1. exercise--- ha ha, this one is going to take forever to do!
2. do homework--- history tonight...and going to start biology next week.
3. wustin and seidi--- supposed to be today, i've kind of given up on it. won't be as fun now that ustin and eidi are dating.
4. call a--- sort of scared to, what to say? what to talk about? why did he call me in the first place?-wonderful place to start conversation!
5. deposit check--- need to, so that i can (see number 6).
6. buy shirts--- (see number 5).
7. clean room--- going to do as soon as done with this...maybe.
8. clean car--- maybe start today. it's really (times 25y2075027) bad.
9. madagascar--- today, 2:30.
10. pack for family vaca--- will most likely end up doing night before.
11. plans with e, g, or h--- e wasn't in class, am with g, h is too busy.
12. work on andi poem--- maybe when i am avoiding something else, like homework.
13. laundry--- i can wear this outfit for three more weeks!
14. gas in car--- (see number 5)
15. call dentist--- did it! go me! go me!
16. make another to do list--- does this count? must ponder this.

class today was boring. fell asleep during notes. tried to sleep during movie, didn't work. found out i have no idea what is going on in history.

i saw the coolest ad in a magazine today! omg! i loved it. if i find it, i'll post it later. i just looked for it, but it's not online. dang it.

more later.

to do list.

to do within the next week.

1. exercise
2. do homework
3. wustin and seidi
4. call a
5. deposit check
6. buy shirts
7. clean room
8. clean car
9. madagascar
10. pack for family vaca
11. plans with e, g, or h
12. work on andi poem
13. laundry
14. gas in car
15. call dentist
16. make another to do list

keep on whispering.

i just got this survey from a friend asking all these stupid questions. things like "how hot am i on a scale of 1-10" or "have you ever had sex before?". it's so stupid. i hate filling things out when you have to answer questions you never think about. or stupid ones that if they'd happen, the person would know. people need a life. now read below and answer some of the questions about me...jk.

we've always been red, white, and blue.

find yourself.

have you ever gotten into a car? found yourself just driving? no destination? but seem to have your mind set? then snap out of it?

today.

woke up with a jump. thought it was later than it was.

went to war of the worlds with erin. it was good. not the type of movie erin goes for though. i liked it. i liked it because growing up with my brother and dad, they taught me which movies are "good" and which aren't. i don't agree with the aren'ts, but the ones that are, are. lol. jibberish.

went to this weird fair/event thing downtown. disappointing. one girl almost went into the river. hard to explain without drawings. maybe i'll draw it later.

went to work. got to cashier because fairy couldn't find someone to watch her daughter. i read the current(?) rolling stone cover to cover. awesome article about people in college and their religions and choice to abstain until marriage. also an interesting one about this creepy cult. lots of orgies and incest. it was really strange and creeped me out. couldn't put it down though.

got off at a nice time. caught about five minutes of the fire works. i almost forgot it was the fourth. we take this country for granted. war of the worlds puts this into perspective...lol.

people do take our freedom for granted. it pisses me off so much. i'm also quite irratated with the whole "legal fireworks" shit. why? no point. at all. put to annoy me. and blow people's hands off.

unsinkable ships, sink. unbreakable walls, break.

habit.

i am in the habit of not sleeping. horrible habit. horrible horrible habit.

remembering back to work, i think i od'ed on me meds. i took this 800mg of ib something...i think. i was supposed to take one, i took two. and i hate medicine. i have to be in a lot of pain to tak something. the idea of something inside me, killing other somethings creeps me out. i always think, if i can't deal with this, how's childbirth gonna work?

take it. break it. shake it up.

karma.

leaving work early because i helped clean theaters and didn't have to, i stumbled upon these minnesotans with a dead car. i look in my car and as luck has it, my dad has removed the jumper cables. i talk with the people and tell them i'm going to go see if anyone inside, employees, has jumper cables while they wait for the AAA man.

i go in. ask. tony laughs "your car dead?" and i explain. dustin scoffs. tony says he ain't going to his car and to tell the people no one did. i tell them. i lie. i feel like shit. i come home. get online.

still feel like shit.

song followed by explanation.

There's a story that my daddy tells religiously
Like clockwork every time he sees an opening
In a conversation about the way things used to be
Well I'd just roll my eyes and make a bee-line for the door
But I'd always wind up starry-eyed, cross-legged on the floor
Hanging on to every word
Man, the things I heard
It was harder times and longer days
Five miles to school, uphill both ways
We were cane switch raised, and dirt floor poor
'Course that was back before the war
Yeah, your uncle and I made quite a pair
Flying F-15's through hostile air
He went down but they missed me by a hair
He'd always stop right there and say...
That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of
So I'm graduatin' college, that was mama's dream
But I was on my way to anywhere else when I turned 18
Cuz when you gotta fast car you think you've got everything
I learned quick those GTO's don't run on faith
I ended up broken down in some town north of L.A.
Working maximum hours for minimum wage
Well, I fell in love, next thing I know
The babies came, the car got slow
I sure do miss that old hot rod
But you sure save gas in them foreign jobs
Dad, I wonder if I ever let you down
If you're ashamed how I turned out
Well, he lowered his voice, then he raised his brow
Said, lemme tell ya right now
That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
You don't need to make a million
Just be thankful to be workin'
If you're doing what you're able
And putting food there on the table
And providing for the family that you love
That's something to be proud of
And if all you ever really do is the best you can
Well, you did it man
That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Yeah, that's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Now that's something to be proud of

i heard this song on the radio the other day and it made me think "where am i going in my life".

that question can be a great question, or a horrible one.

i haven't volunteered at the nursing home for over two years because i'm scared to go back. it used to be like my second home. i knew almost all the residents names and room numbers (i helped with mail sometimes so it came in handy). i'm really scared to go back. working at a nursing home, if you're like me, you get close to people. i became really close with four ladies. my favorite was the one that kept me coming back. her name was dorothy.

i used to visit and talk with dorothy every time i went to the nursing home, which used to be almost everyday. i would help bring dorothy to lunch or the "socialization" room (huge room overlooking a field. full of tables, games, movies, other assorted things). i would paint her nails. on nice days, dorothy and i would take the elevator down and go sit in the front and talk and watch people come and go. she had the voice that i would describe as sandpaper and syrup. you'd understand if you could hear it. if i missed more than a day or two, dorothy would forget who i was. what we talked about. wonder how i knew about her family coming up. it was heartbreaking. i'd go back everyday so she's remember me. then one day, my mom was dropping me off and she asked if i knew this lady named margaret ******. i said i did because she was always trying to get out of her wheelchair and this alarm would go off so i'd sit and let her read the newspaper to me. my mom told me she passes away the night before and that she saw it had been at valley 4000 (nursing home i was volunteering at). i started crying in the parking lot. that's the hard part about being at a nursing home. these people are old. they do die. i guess i don't want to go back, because she most likely passed on. it'll be too hard. i want to go back though.

they were so understaffed. the first day i volunteered i didn't want to go back. i wasn't even supposed to volunteer there. someone was helping me choose and i picked this place with 5 live in residents, all with serious set-backs. one lady was deaf so i learned some sign language to communicate with her, but the lady who was helping me said that they needed me more at Valley 4000, so she placed me there.

this song makes me want to do something with my life. i told me dad that if i can run the mile and a half under the required military time, i'm going to join when i turn 18. maybe not as a career, but for four years or so.

i want to help people before i die. be remembered for changing, bettering lives. i don't want to be a teacher though. people say teacher's better lives, and they do. that's not how i want to go about it. i want to defend our country. i want to go to africa and provide medical care for poor children and their families living in slums. i want to build houses for the homeless. i want to take care of the elderly. i want to save a life. i want to make a difference.

i want to make a difference.

the thing called harold.

haven't posted for a day. kind of strange for me lately. i have been known to go a week or so without posting, so i can't say missing a day is out of character.

yesterday left grandmother's around noon and started the long journey home. completed the long journey around 3:15ish, which was strange because my mother thinks the speed limit is the maximum you can drive.

took a little nap. showered. ate. went to work.

work (first part, pre-break) was really (x1523798) boring. then i came home with jackie, girl i work with, to eat soup and chill with.

go back to work and this guy keeps complimenting me on my hair, so i put on the fakest smile in the world while repeating "thank you, thank you" and he compliments me on my "wonderfully bright" smile.

starts slowing down at work and i decide it'd be fun to try and unclog this clogged drain in the middle of the concession area (it's about 11:28ish) and i realize that mold, is mixed in with all this crap. so i find something that resembles a doctors mask and cover my nose and mouth, googles that are 2 sizes too small, and blue gloves that a 9 year old may have trouble slipping there hands into, and proceed to use my, covered with blue gloves, hands and dig it out (lots is solid). i get pretty far the the whole is about to go over where the end of the glove cuts off and it starts gurgling/burping. i scream "it's alive", while everyone around me is laughing, and jump back. richard, our boss, comes down from upstairs and asks if one of us screamed. opps. we then call him harold-i name him, but accidently refer to him as albert twice, and decide to leave ole' harold to the plumbers i made richard promise to call.

end of the night, i counted my tips. i made six dollars and seventy cents. one guy gave me a five dollar bill and said "i bet you guys don't get tipped really". i was shocked. very pleased, but shocked.

jackie and i are the only people who stayed for midnights and we have to clean. normally it'd take fourty-five minutes to an hour. we manage to stretch it out to two hours so we can stay on clock. i figure i deserve it because of the whole harold thing.

got home and watched tv for an hour or two. don't remember falling asleep. woke up 3 minutes before alarm was set to go off.

got dressed and out of bed and went upstairs to make breakfast. same thing i usually have, scrambled eggs on two pieces of whole-grain toast. i eat it like a sandwich. i finish cooking the eggs, but forgot to put the toast in. so i pop the toast in and decide to way myself. i way a pound lighter than what i want to weigh tomorrow so i can cheat on this bloody diet.

jackie and i had this awesome conversation about dieting and guys. i told her whenever i diet, i have to eat when i'm with guys because i feel so stupid saying "i'm on a diet, i can't eat (fill in the blank here). she agrees stating that "guys always say 'i want a girl who can eat. that doesn't care what she looks like'". those girls are size 0 is my guess.

got online and on ebay. thank goodness i was outbid on three things. i'm become an e-bay addict again. not to healthy to put ones entire paycheck on something you'll never use.

decided to blog. here i am.

here i go.

i'm normal, i swear.

had to return a movie for grandmother that was overdue. since it was overdue, i had to run inside and pay this charge. the guy asks for my phone number, to check it in, and i just tell him i have no idea. so he gets the last name and finds it that way. then he says it's not much more than a dollar so "don't worry about it". i get back into our van and tell my mom who says "he must think you're cute", and me, believing what i always do (that no random person can find another attractive) tell her no and say that he must have thought i was mentally handicapped because i didn't know the phone number, which he must have assumed to be mine.

i guess when we went to the grocery store some people did a double take. i think it was the combo of my hair and the shirt i'm wearing. it's my "fur is dead" shirt from peta, so the whole picture of me may have caused a couple people to do double takes. it's weird because i used to always go into the grocery store with my grandmother and get no attention, but from people she knew. it's amazing the impact a color of hair and a shirt will do for ya.

more later.

edit.

at the grandmother's. little sister is thrilled to see me. she's already shown me all her new stuff and made me make bracelets with her. i must say, my fish one looks stunning on me.

"oh my god. oh my god." times that by about 3 and you get my grandmother's reaction to my hair. oh yes and "you have such pretty hair!", i reply "i know! isn't it wonderful red"-though i understood what she meant. with bitter tone "i meant before." she did ask me if i lost some weight, so...

everyone is at the funeral. i can't stand to go. i didn't know the girl or her family that well and it's too sad. i hate how these young children die of cancer, yet all these horrible people live to be old. she deserved to be old.

a called me on the ride to grandmother's. i answered only to say i was roaming. i don't have caller id on my cell, so i didn't know who it was. i was shocked...and pleased. i hung up and my mom asks "who was that", i lie. because i always lie. and say "heidi." then she shocks me by saying "no it wasn't. it was a boy." so i explain that i didn't want to tell her because she is noisy and the last time she found out a boy called me, she automatically assumed i liked him and wouldn't give it up. so she goes "i know you have guy friends. i've heard you mention eric and austin (i fail to point out to her that it is usually because i'm talking about them as a unit with their girlfriends) and evan (nothing to point out here, she had a point). i slyly try and change the subject...it works.

roaming on cell. on phone with kindra. mom is gonna kill me when she sees the bill.

gone.

i am a little thinner. i hate this though. i hate talking about, thinking about food all the time. i hate mentioning the fact that i am on a diet because it makes me feel like such a girl. but i am. and i am. i am loosing weight at a healthy and responsible pace this time. i'm happy with where i was at 6 this afternoon, but i'm going to continue for a little longer. maybe i'll motivate myself to be healthier for health's sake.

brother is whining to get on. sorry so short. will post later.

quickly. going to grandmother's tomorrow. she is extremly...old school. can't wait to hear comments on hair. going because this eleven-year-old we know died of cancer. will expand on later.