YES~

i was a cashier today! so excited. i wasn't even supposed to work, but they called and asked me to cashier. cashier is a lot different from concessions! at first, at the end of the night, when we counted my money i was OVER by over 200 dollars, and then my boss realized he gave me more money to start out with then he thought so i was only over 1.25! i want to be a cashier. sin city comes out tomorrow. it looks so cool. i don't want to work it.

Group

I had group (therapy) today. Of the ten girls, we had two. The two includes myself. The other girl talked about her mom and their problems and then they asked me. I tried to lie and say that the only problem I really had were that report cards were coming out and I didn't do so well. The guy asked me why and all my frustrations and worries about my brother came out. I said stuff that I didn't even realize I was feeling.

I am starting to really not like people. I skipped part of 7th and sat with some friends and they asked "Sara, were you crying?" and I said no. They said "come on, tell us why." I said that I really wasn't in the mood to start crying again. Then comes Stephanie. Stephanie. Talking all her stress what with school, track, friends, boys, work. I started feeling really bitter. School? She was stressing over a low A. Track, I don't get this one, she's perfect at it like everything else. Friends? What problems does she have? Everyone wants to be her friend. Boys, she can't date and since she's so pretty she has two of the hottest guys in school after her. Work? WORK? WORK MY ASS. She's a minor so she can only work until like 7, like 3 days a week, and she only works 3 HOURS MAX on those days. I'd trade my problems for hers in a second.

I didn't exercise yesterday. Went to this church thing with Heidi. Gained two pounds, OVERNIGHT! I need to exercise for like an hour and a half tonight to try and make up for it. I think I'll do my normal workout on the treadmill, and then maybe, just maybe, run outside.

I think the world is fat.

Mood swings.

I had a great day. People kept telling me my haircut looked cute (I didn't have one, it just looked nice), and DID NOT wear a sweatshirt! The end of the day was weird.

It was after school and I was hanging out with a bunch of people I know. We were all laughing and then suddenly, I stopped. I felt like all the happiness had been sucked out of me. I felt like an outsider, looking it. It was so sudden, so strange. It was like a cloud that covers the sun, but everyone can see the sun, and I can only see the cloud. It was weird. I'm wondering if I have depression. Or really bad mood swings. I got up and left and only one person said good-bye, whenever Steph or Todd leaves, everyone says good-bye. I'm starting to feel like an outsider. It doesn't feel good.

Yesterday

Blogger was good today. Good blogger! I went to two movies yesterday: Robots, Hitch. I went to Robots with Abbie, Rachel, Todd, and some kid named Travis. The first twenty minutes of Robots were the best. The whole movie slowed after these. Hitch was funny. I need a guy who dances like a "baboon". I found the Q-Tip dance, and the others, absolutly hilarious. Heidi and I went to Hitch.

This concludes yesterday.

Ugh.

i hate blogger. i keep trying to get in and it takes forever. maybe it's a slow day.

Oh, and another thing!

I forgot a paycheck! Yes! The one I forgot to pick up was 184 or somewhere around that.

Stuck to my diet! I went to the movies and still stuck to it. I ended up 11 calories short of what I set for myself. I exercised. Two miles and my time was a minute better than the last time I ran two miles. I am getting healthier. I am proud of myself, as cheesy as it sounds, I am proud. I have not given into the temptations of evil food or anything! GO ME!

Eric made me feel so happy yesterday. We were chatting and the topic of my diet came up. He said, and I quote "you look fine to me". Made my day. It felt great to look normal to someone. When I look in the mirror, all I see is this fat person who needs to drop some weight. It felt great to look "fine".

I'm trying to find someone to go to the movie Robots with me, but everyone is busy. They have practice, dance, track, all this stuff. And then their is me. Little ole me. Who doesn't have to work. And would like to go to a movie. The one day!, I can do something! Oh well, I WILL FIND SOMEONE.

I've decided that I need to be nicer to everyone. I am mean. I am bitter. I need to hold those feelings in. These past two months have been crazy, what with school, my brother, now this diet! I need a break from being me. And I need to be a little kinder.

I'm also sick of guys. I'm always sick of guys unless I like one. Guys, in general, are just not worth it. Even though I like a guy right now, I don't really care about the whole "omg! he's so hot!" thing right now. I'd like a boyfriend. I won't lie. I don't really want to do the whole "only seeing each other when on a date" kind of thing. I want a boyfriend who will just come over to my house and watch a movie with me. A boyfriend who doesn't mind just talking. Someone that I am comfortable around. I want someone who I can be myself around. I'm weird. It's as simple as that. I love to mute T.V. and make up my own dialogue. I wouldn't mind sitting next to a person for hours without saying a word. I am me. I want someone who will love all these weird parts of me. I'm starting to think that he doesn't exist. That there is not one perfect person for anyone. I think that I've gone so long without a boyfriend that my expectations just keep creeping up. I've already decided I'll most likely never get married. I'm gonna find a guy, sleep with him, get pregnant, and then continue life on as if nothing was abnormal.

I need sleep.

It's been awhile...

Yesterday, Easter, I had to work. It sucked. I got off early and came home only to find that my family wasn't here. Their cell phones were off so I anticipated I'd be spending Easter alone. Low and behold, they rented a hotel room at the Hilton and we were spending our Easter there. As soon as I got there I noticed their fitness room and had my dad drive me home so I could get my workout clothes. The treadmill was weird and wouldn't turn on so I rode the stationary bike for 40 minutes. I only burned 244 calories, but it was better than nothing. I decided to "cheat" seeing as it was Easter, but today I am back on my diet. I tried some "How many calories must you burn a day to reach your ideal weight in an ideal time" and I need to burn like 4000 calories a day. lol. Right....

Work

just got home from work.
got my paycheck.
only $130.
took lots of time off.
did not eat popcorn at work.
very proud.
maybe i'll become skinny.
or.
maybe not.

What's the use?

What is the use? I am fat. I will never get any skinnier no matter how much I diet or exercise. I am such a huge cow and I need to lose weight. If I was skinnier, I'd be happier. I can't control my life as much as I'd like and I think that if I was skinny, I could focus on more important things. I have rolls, gross, fat, disgusting rolls. They need to die. I wish I could just wake up skinny. I wish I could be one of those people who can eat everything and not gain a pound. I wish I was skinny because then I'd be happy. I need to loose this weight. I should go onto one of those extreme make-over shows so that I can just get it lipo-ed away. I know I'll never be a size four because my hips are way too huge and my bones have grown, but I'd love to be two to four sizes smaller when it comes to pants and a size smaller shirt. I'd say more than a size smaller in the shirt area, but hey!, I'm a girl and I got boobs! I just need to be smaller. If I was skinny, I'd exercise more and eat right to stay that way. If only, if only...

The Diet

I am officially on a diet. A count all calories diet. I went to the Mayo clinic webpage and found out how many calories I need to eat to maintain my weight without exercise and cut 200 off of that and am adding exercise. I'm also going to stop eating after 7, a rule that most people live by. And drink 8 glasses, or as close to as possible, of water a day. Am about to get on the treadmill, will write when I get home from work!

More random life.

Just got home. Stayed late at the movie theater to watch Miss Congeniality 2, which comes out...today. I need the soundtrack.

More movie theater stuff...Saw Eric, Nick, and Carey at the movies. Had fun talking with them.

In a crappy sort of mood. One of my teachers asked my counselor if I was pregnant. I have such low self-esteem anyway, and that just was the icing on top of the cake. As if I don't hate my body enough, let's give me more reason to. Ugh. He said that I was showing people my stomach, which I would never do in a million years. I hate my stomach. My stomach is gross and big and is not revealed to the world unless it is required swimming in gym. He also said that he over-heard me say my "breasts" were tender. First of all, he must have confused me with someone because I would never say "My breasts feel quite tender today" or anything of the sort, second of all EWW!, and lastly, if I was pregnant, why would it affect him and why would he feel the need to know? I...ugh! So for the rest of the day, I felt like crap. I started eating this mini cake thing in 6th, this was before, and I felt fat enough that I had to go to the bathroom, and then when I heard what this teacher thought, 7th hour, I felt like going anorexic, bulimic, cutting myself, all these emotions and thoughts flooded into my head. I need a new body.

Random Life

I'm so sick of people. Sometimes I wish that everyone would go to Mars or Jupiter for a day and leave me alone on the Earth to roam and wander. I've been feeling very fake lately. Anyone know what I mean? I feel like I'm not me, like I'm pretending, even though I'm not.

I've started writing a play. I was inspired. Right now, it's shit, but who knows what it may become.

When Heidi was over on Saturday, we had to call Will because we had some questions. My mom just said to me "Sara, why don't you invite Bill over to help you study", I'm all like "Bill?", and she says "yes...", then I got it. I started laughing. The idea of Will at my house amused me. I don't know why, but I couldn't stop laughing.

Play

Did the play yesterday. It went well but I forgot one line. I started rambling about donuts and being hungry and after about...thirty seconds of this, I remembered the line. After the play, we had a potluck thing. Yum!

I walked with the guy I like from 2nd to 3rd hour. I was/am so happy. I still don't like boys, but it's weakening.

Studying

Heidi and I studied for chemistry. We did like ten minutes of real studying in the time she was over here. I love Heidi. We always have so much fun together.

I need an A on this test. Or at least a B. I'd be happy with a C....

I hate chemistry. Someone should take over my body and take the chemistry test for me! Any takers?

I have the play tomorrow. I am soooo nervous. I'm gonna throw up.

I promise that I'll write a real post, real soon. I PROMISE.

My life is really boring right now. One thing has changed, and that is the guy I like. That's about it....

Ok.

The Ring 2 was slow. Heidi is on her way over.

I hate...

school
life
you
chemistry
my job
my hair
my stomach
my car door
you.

Have to...but don't want to

work tonight-the ring 2 comes out.

SEXY GLASSES

Me in my new sexy glasses!
Me in my normal glasses.
Random pic of me in my glasses.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna...

1. fail chem
2. fail math
3. fail school
4. drop out of school
5. dye my hair pink
6. be in this play called "my new heroin"
7. break down (mentally)
8. scream
9. scream some more
10. do some more of number nine
11. go to work
12. work
13. work
14. hopefully get together with heidi and do something this weekend
15. work
16. eat some ice cream
17. eat junk food
18. gain weight
19. become really fat
20. keep getting fat
21. explode because i'm so fat
22. exercise
23. work
24. die
25. die once again for dramatic effect

Excuses

Okay. Here starts the long line of excuses for my not posting.

1. Job. I work too much.

2. Boy. There was a boy. He took up a lot of my thinking time. Me and boy never became something, so don't worry about the boy being the reason anymore.

3. School. I'm failing.

4. IMI-Theater group. We're traveling now. Ah!

5. "My New Heroin"-Play I'm in. I need all the practice I can get.

6. Other school stuff- FBLA we were in Minneapolis on Thursday and Friday.

WILL POST MORE!

ahhhh

I MISSED YOU ALL!

I Almost understand

Bowling For Soup - Almost Lyrics

I almost got drunk at school at 14
Where I almost made out with the homecoming queen
Who almost went on to be miss texas
But lost to a slut with much bigger breastes
I almost dropped out to move to LA
Where I was almost famous for almost a day
And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn’t cut it
Almost loved you
I almost wished u would’ve loved me too
I almost held up a grocery store
Where I almost did 5 years and then 7 more
Cuz I almost got popped for a fight with a thug
Cuz he almost made off with a bunch of the drugs
That I almost got hooked on cuz you ran away
And I wish I woulda had the nerve to ask you to stay
And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn’t cut it
Almost had you
And I didn’t even know it
You kept me guessing and now I guess thatI spent my time missing you
I almost wish you would’ve loved me too
Here I go thinking about all the things I could’ve done
I’m gonna need a forklift cuz all the baggage weighs a ton
I know we’ve had our problems I can’t remember one
I almost forgot to say something elseAnd if I cant fit it in
I’ll keep it all to myself
I almost wrote a song about you today
But I tore it all open and I threw it away
And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn’t cut it
Almost had you
And I didn’t even know it
You kept me guessing and now I guess that
I spent my time missing you
And I almost had you
I almost wish you would’ve loved me too

NOT TOOTHPASTE!

This can't be the end.
Life is an illusion.
So what now?
It's okay because I don't really mean it.
You know, I never used to cry.

Crash

we crashed,
you and me,
just were not,
meant to be.
maybe if it'd been,
another time,
another place,
another anything.
but it wasn't.
a tear,
falls down,
rolls down,
my check.

just one,

tear though,

for the maybe,

for the maybe.

Events and happenings

Today

From 9 to about 12:30 i had IMI. I came home. Ate. And am now getting ready to go to work from 2:30-10ish. SOMEONE CALL ME! I miss people.

Why can't I

you ask me who,

this guy is,

the one i go on,

about.

you tell me,

that you've told me,

about her,

"your girl".

i smile and,

try to explain,

that it is different,

though it's not.

i laugh,

and say no,

i won't tell you,

his name.

you leave,

wondering why,

i conceal and hide,

his name.

guarded tightly,

pressed to my heart,

his name,

is yours.

I heart the Goo Goo Dolls

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you want to feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'

Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide

Yeah we're gonna let is slide

Don't you love the life you killed
The priest is on the phone
Your father hit the wall
Your ma disowned you

Don't suppose I'll ever know
What it means to be a man
Something I can't change
I'll live around it

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide
Mmmmm slide

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that, fall
Oh May
Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh May
Do you wanna get married or run away

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that, fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May do you wanna get married or run away

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all

(Yeah slide)
And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that, fall
And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that, fall

(Oh Oh Oh slide)
Just slide between the sheets of all the beds you never knew
(Yeah slide)
Why don't you slide into my room
Just slide into my room
Oh, we'll run away, run away, run away...

My friend

My friend thinks she's pregnant. I look cute pregnant. I wore this "empathy belly" and I looked very cute. I still cannot believe my friend may be pregnant though.

Group

Had group. It was fun. We just got to know each other and talked about boys and friends and stuff like that.

I need to exercise. I'm going to do that tonight. I need to gain some muscle and loose some weight.

I have so much homework. Ugh. Don't want to do it.

Not much to write about. An hour and a half-that's not that long, is it?

I find that...

I find that I break down more easily. I started to cry in second hour. Mr. Delmore, my health teacher, volunteered our class to listen to this suicide prevention thing and I lost it. They named all these signs and characteristics which all fit my brother and they played that country music video "How do you get the Lonely?". I managed to stay pretty collected through it, but as soon as almost everyone left, I broke down. I went to my counselors and stayed there all of third. I'm now going to be part of this "group".

Group is this...well, group of teens that talk to each other about difficult things they are going through. Real problems though, not things like "my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too fat" kind of crap. I'm gonna try it and see how it works out. They meet every Thursday for six weeks. I know one of the other six people in it. I hope it doesn't suck.

Who is Trey?

Who is Trey? Why do you laugh when you read his name?

On a lighter note

Let me recap the past few days. The good things. I've been happy. Extremely happy. I've been so happy that I have:

1. not said anything very mean to Sam
2. had the urge to (and have done it twice) skip in the hall
3. not been able to stop smiling

I have also realized that the one of the best things about guys is when you can smell the soap they use. I find it incredibly sexy and AH! They just smell so good!

Guys are also very confusing. I can figure any guy out, but not the one I like. If only I could take a step back and see, from an outsider's view, what the situation looks like...alas, I cannot. I will just stick to my earlier statement (guys are confusing). Good night all.

I am a bitch

I am such a cold, heartless, unfeeling, BITCH. I cannot believe I could be so mean and.... Okay, I guess that seems out of no where. My last post was "life is good, people are great, i could fucking float away". Let me explain:

I'm sick...well, home sick anyway. I decided to read my brother's blog, which I never do, because he has never posted anything. Well, after reading it I feel like scum of the whole fucking Earth. I am such a BITCH.

Again, you must be confused. Last Sunday, I had to work from 11am-6 pm. I had to leave work at 6 and then go baby-sit this little girl from 6:15 to around 8:30. I was leaving the movie theater, where I work, and I get a call. It's my brother. He's over at his Ex-girlfriend's house and he needs a ride. I get a little annoyed because I know I'm going to be late to baby-sit and I figure "i'll just be a little late and I bet mom and dad told him to call me". So I pick him up, and say maybe two words to him, and I'm pretty sure they were mean words. I get home and my mom's like "you're going to be late, where were you", and I say "picking michael up." I leave the house.

I get home and my mom's eyes are blood-shot because she's been crying. I guess that they (my parents) thought my brother was at his friends. He walked over to his ex-girlfriend's and she and this kid my brother tried to make plans with, were going to a movie and they decided not to invite him(my brother). No biggie, right? Well, another kid shows up and they invite him. This is when I went and got my brother, dropped him off at home, and left. I guess right after I dropped him off, he cried. My mom calls his ex up and asks her if she wants my brother to kill himself and tells her off and then hangs up. I thought "What a Bitch!". I didn't know the half of it.

So like I said earlier, I just read my brother's blog. Here's why I feel like a heartless Bitch. I didn't understand how he was feeling and I really didn't care at the time. I AM SUCH A BITCH! Here's what his blog said:

Sunday, February 27, 2005
today sucked my friend that i was gonna origainally do somthing with said that they didnt want to so later another friend calls and asks if i wanna do somthing well later he called and said he couldnt do anything they were both full of shit eventually the one called the other and asked if they wanted to go to a movie well i called one of them they told me they were going to a movie i left the house and just started walking i know yoo dont think its a big deal i havent left the house to hang out with anyone ever since i tried to kill myself again then i felt like killing myself i was going to go down by the river and just find a spot to freeze to death i went to a friends house but they werent home well i called up one of the friends and asked if i could stop by (before i killed myself) they said i could well i came over and there was another kid there who called and my friend invited them to the movie well big suprise they didnt invite me i really dont care anymore they only wanna be my friends when im not depressed well fuck them both im sick of my god damn life next weekend im gonna stay at a friends house and get so fucked up im just gonna drink and smoke till i pass out or have no idea whats going on i may kill myself again but i really dont know im still here most people would say im lucky to be here i swallowed a bottle of excedrin, advil, tylenol and tylenol pm i didnt die i didnt even pass out i just threw up blood all day and all night i dont know how im gonna do it next time i want it to be painless and a gun seems like teh only way the ammo is in the garage and teh gun in the closet i could always hang myself it dosent matter anymore i just want to end it no one really cares i just dont see the point of being alive anymore i mean really there isnt one i dont believe in god and i dont know what happens when you die i know what im writing now almost no ones gonna read i cant make any difference even if i chance the course of the planet theres really no reason to be alive your all gonna end up dying might as well die sooner then later my parents dont want me going to school but im sure ill end up going anyway i got so much homework but i really dont care anymore im sick of my fucking life no one cares my friends arnt really my friends im just alone in this world and thats how i want to die alone i dont want a funeral i dont want people to act like the care i just wanna all asleep and never wake up again but i know that is not going to happen i dont care how it happens if it dosent hurt or if it does i just wanna get it over with i dont know why im wrting this no one cares everyone says think positive but imagine everything is going your way and then your friends abandon you they act like they care and they just try to bring you down more and they stab you in the back again and again and they say they want to help you and they want you to get better and then you realize you truly alone no one is gonna help you there is no hope i have no hopes or dreams for a future nothing will ever go my way and i can thank those bastards that stabbed me in the back thanks guys i appreciate it ive tried to get better now i dont see the point my life has no point nothing makes me happy anymore i dont even like playing video games which is like my entire life i just feel even more pathetic that im such a nutcase ready to snap at any moment i dont know why i bother wrting this no one cares well that sums up the END of my weekend if im alive ill right more when im in a another equally depressing suicidal mood

8:38 PM

How could I have missed it. I feel like crap now. No, I feel like a fucking, worthless bitch.

TNL (recap)

TNL, Tuesday Night Live, was hilarious. I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time. Eric kept embarrassing me though and luckily it didn't work. The reason it didn't work is because he knows something and he kept hinting at it to me, and this person, very loudly, but they were slow. I find that I am starting to tolerate slow people.

Conferences tonight. AH! My mom thinks I'm getting a D in Chem. Won't she be surprised when she finds that it's even lower. I'm also pulling a C in Spanish 2. Is it my fault...nm, it is. I hate school. She was giving me the "if you don't pull your grades up, you won't get into college" lecture. It was all I could do not to shout out that I don't really want to go to college. I am planning my life without a college degree right now. It's really sad. I plan on taking a few courses, but only enough to help me start my future. I know what I want to do when I grow up and all I really need are a few business classes.